Dating and Leadership
This is mostly aimed at single readers, though married folks might get a kick out of it
I’m known for being blunt and offensive on this topic and I feel no real need to change that, so here are six realities of dating in Christian leadership circles.
First, there are way more girls than guys in Christian leadership circles. Church in general is female-biased, and the closer you get into leadership, the more we see this. Oddly, I have a regular experience of Christian girls being almost irrationally picky about guys. Speaking by the odds, I’m not sure that’s the best approach. Of course, it’s understandable, because guys tend to mature slower than women. So guys, if you are a guy Christian leadership type, if you can learn how to get a job and comb your hair, you’ve got a pretty good shot. And girls, most guys will eventually grow up. I once found in my wife’s diary from the summer we met the question ‘Am I willing to wait for him to grow up?’ I’m glad she was.
Second, don’t have sex before you get married.
Third, don’t make out with people you aren’t actually dating.
(I find myself utterly annoyed that I had to make the previous two points. Particularly when it comes to leaders. For average churchgoers, sure, I understand it’s rough. But I think step one of leadership is sort of like, have character and obey God. Seems pretty objective to me.)
Fourth, try to be impressive. There is a weird Christian myth that we are supposed to fall in love only with somebody’s spiritual life. As if, you can be a total slob but if you pray four hours a day, you are great dating material. Get a job, go to the gym, build an awesome ministry, make a huge difference in the world, read lots, be well-spoken. Now look- I know your accomplishments don’t define your worth. I know Jesus loves you- crazy loves you, if you are the most unimpressive person in the world. But he made the world for us to live in and told us to go into it and be fruitful. So- based on a firm foundation of the love and acceptance of Jesus, on the secondary foundation of the love and acceptance of your friends and brothers and sisters in Christ- try to be impressive.
(Caveat: you can definitely try too hard in this direction. Any good dating advice knows there is such a thing as overkill. Romantic comedies are fiction. Part of being impressive is learning to be subtle.)
Fifth, consider how potential dating prospects will influence your leadership. Don’t marry a needy diva if you want to work long hours some weeks. Arguably, dating is the single most important activity for young adults. Little else will effect the rest of your life as much as your approach to dating. This is precisely because dating is directly connected to marriage, and marriage is the single most life-changing human relationship you will ever have (if you do, indeed, get married).
Sixth, get outside input. I often say I wish we did pre-engagement counseling instead of premarital counseling. Choosing the right person in the right way makes all the difference in the world.
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Blunt, but not offensive. This was funny.
I have another to add. Don’t make out in the car in front of your future mother-in-laws house because the windows might fog up and she might interrupt you once she realizes what you are doing to her daughter. Don’t ask me how I know this – I just know.
My dating advice:
Do most of what Jeff tells me to do.
Keep the beard and switch it up with a stasch now and again. Unless you’re a girl, then by all means, skip this tip.
Aim High, at least for starters. It’s like driving down the front row at the grocery store, maybe there won’t be a place, but maybe there WILL.
Cook and bake for them all the time, even when they aren’t interested in you. Take any opportunity to do this, that is, if it will actually taste good.
Be as secure in Jesus as you can, and let them see this in the most obviously humble ways possible.
Point #3 made me laugh-out-loud. Totally true. If a person isn’t your “official” boyfriend or girlfriend, just don’t do it.
Helpful thoughts. I appreciate that you just go to the point without equivocation. One question: what do you consider acceptable in the “making out” context? In other words, how far is too far? And how many times do you go out before you are actually dating? At what point is it then acceptable to make out? Not being sarcastic at all here. Truly looking for answers as I encounter this a lot among the young adult crowd I mentor. Anyone?
Pam knows all the right questions…
On ‘how far is too far’, I have kind of dual answer. First, (and I really do mean this), pretty much you are going to have to figure this out with God. Second, (and I just embrace that this sort of contradicts the first) much past kissing is probably heading for trouble.
And on the ‘when are we dating’ front. I know it gets hazy. How about “I will only make out with you if I have grounds to be pissed if I find out you are also making out with someone else.”
well alright then! not feeling like a stuck in the victorian age mom/pastor who is “gasp” in her late 40’s after all! this is pretty much where we’ve landed in conversation.
btw: love point #4! thank you for saying it…and the caveat.
oh, sorry, one more thing…i’m intrigued by the pre-engagement counseling idea…what would that look like? i have some thoughts….
I would like to talk to people about whether getting married is a good idea and ask the questions they don’t think about asking.
How much time do you plan on spending with your parents?
Would you ever move to another state?
When/how many kids do you want?
What are your long term career dreams?
How do you think authority works in marriage?
at what point in the dating relationship do you commit to pre-engagement counseling?
I used to wonder about whether it might be advantageous and/but dangerous to try to lead together in the same area…(like co-lead a small group).
The experiment would let me see what stuff the person was made of, and also what it was like to team-up together on something not involving ourselves.
The danger would be having a slightly public relationship… that could be awkward at times, during those “awkward times”.
Though I’ve not done this yet, my thinking now is that leading something together needs to be natural. A desire to serve in different places is OKAY, and so is just one person being a leader. From what I understand, loving, and being supportive of each other does not entail that you both be serving in the same area. In fact serving in different ways, seems to be more correct. Or seems like that would eventually create a more whole “leading” entity.
Understanding your significant other’s desire to follow God in a specific way is important, and helping them could be really awesome. Especially if its in different areas.
As for the consequences of awkward times…. Just embrace those. I imagine that “times” will happen even when you’re married.
Also a sweeeeet book with a lame name, is “101 questions to ask before you get engaged” by H. Norman Wright. I’ve found that most of the questions lead to fairly long conversations and does a good job of getting everything on the table. A person could be sneaky and buy this book and then drop these question-bombs and get some cool conversations going.
Date.
Sweet post Anthony! You should write a guest column on this topic.
It is important to grow together in ministry but it is an awkward terrain at times. Personally, I started dating another leader and, for a time, we were off doing our own thing for a while which was great. At some point though, we both were like, “Shouldn’t we be growing spiritually together? Doesn’t that involve leadership stuff too?” But that requires a certain level of commitment–Are you willing for your relationship to be “public” enough to do ministry together in front of your faith family?
I really struggled with this, at first, as the Guy I was/am currently seeing was entering a season where God was literally throwing leadership opportunities into his lap while I felt relatively underused. I was a little ticked & prideful. I’ve been a Christian and a leader since junior high while Guy has only been a Christian for a couple of years/leading for one but he had pastors fawning over his unique spiritual gifts and talents. But, I went along with Guy and volunteered at various outreaches in his areas of strength (evangelism, compassion, arts-based ministry) and found a lot of joy in stepping out of my ministry comfort zone. It was definitely one of those awwwwwkwaaard moments Anthony speaks about but I lead me to grow more in my faith (as I stepped out and made a total fool of myself in unfamiliar ministry territory) and in respect for Guy.
Thanks for the note, Anthony. It’s encouraging and I’m totally going to my local Borders to check out that great book with the terrible title.
Oh come on Libby, you don’t need to disguise his name we all know who he is.
I love this blog, and it’s SO true. Some made me laugh, I did have one to add: #7, don’t throw the God card on ending a relationship, such as: “It’s just not God right now…” or “I’m waiting on God”, most of the time, it’s a lame excuse not to be completely honest about not liking the person. Really. You’re being vague and holding onto them by a thread. (I’ve experienced the other end of this the entire time I was in college. I’m sorry for the ladies who are waiting on guys who are waiting on God. I’m telling you, move on)
Also, I was hesitant about reading this book “101 Questions to ask before you get engaged”, but it is really good and has questions that would eventually come up in marriage, that you wouldn’t think to ask while dating, some are easy to talk about and some really difficult, but good. I’d recommend anybody whose dating to read this book as sort of a ‘pre-engagement, but no pressure’ type of deal.
I also agree with everything Anthony said.
The end.
Nice discussion here. Good comments, amigos/as. For my two cents, and to add another good book with a lame (and somewhat misleading) title, I’d recommend “Finding the Love of Your Life” by Neil Clark Warren (yes, the e-Harmony guy, but don’t hold that against the book). It’s not a “5 easy steps” how-to or anything (as the title might appear to suggest). It’s more of a healthy dose of realism for the Christian idealist, perhaps, who thinks that two hearts afire for God is the only requirement one really need consider when looking for that partner for life. Like any good thing, what the book has to say can be taken too far, but I’d definitely suggest it for young adults trying to find “the one.” I haven’t read it for quite some time, but I thought it was the bomb-diggity some years back (and suspect it would still hold up). In fact, I thought Warren’s book had some great qualifiers that users of his website could afford to consider. But anyhoo…
thanks for the book recommendation. I am ordering it today. great insights.
I would like to note, almost one year later, that the three primary single commenters on this post have either gotten married this summer or will get married next fall.