On not doing everything
When I was leading with IVCF in college, I figured something out. I should say first that I loved leading with IVCF and look back on it with nothing but fondness. That said, my Sophomore year I sat and made a list of everything they wanted me, as a small group leader to be doing. Weekly small group, daily prayer meetings, daily quiet times, meeting with group members, meeting with co-leaders, etc., etc. I came up with something like 50 hours a week.
That’s when I realized I couldn’t do everything, and that no one really expected me to. But this never seemed to be mentioned or talked about- and I found the same to be true when I transitioned from college ministry to church ministry. It seemed like I was supposed to read my Bible, pray, have a mentor, be mentored, go to classes, listen to tapes, be in an accountability group, go to retreats, launch a new ministry, support missionaries, fast, meditate, be a small group leader, volunteer in the nursery, share my faith, pray for healing, pray for revival, feed the poor, oppose racism, and bring my faith into the workplace all at the same time.
And again, nobody really expected me to do all these things. But nobody seemed to talk about the fact that this was actually the case. Now, on one hand, trying to do all these things and stay super-busy wasn’t bad. I actually think that seasons of crazy busy-ness can be healthy. It’s how you learn things about yourself. But, those seasons have to end.
So, if we can’t do everything, how do we figure out what to do? I have a few thoughts, and would be curious as to how you navigate this.
First, do a lot of what you like. I suppose this seems obvious, but maybe it’s worth saying. Jesus said he came to give us life to the full.
Second, do a few things that challenge you. You can’t grow without being stretched a bit, so this is always an important part of it.
Third, stay focused outwardly. Care about people who don’t go to church. Care about the poor. Care about your neighbors. Don’t just focus on the people who are already “in”. Otherwise you get sick.
How do you go about not doing everything?
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I’ve gotten better at this over the last few years. During one particularly busy stretch, I asked my roommate to follow up with me in a week to ask me what things I had said “no” to that week. I ended up saying “no” to a couple pretty good things, but they were things that just wouldn’t fit and if I would have said yes, everything else would have suffered. So, keeping tabs on what I turn down has been helpful.
Blocking off time for rest is pretty crucial for me too, otherwise I tend to fill it when something comes up (and it always does).
I think my biggest struggle is balancing doing the things I feel responsible for (I’m oldest sibling, so there can be a lot) and doing the things that I love; or the lessor crime of letting duty suck the life out of doing the things I actually like to do. I can fill a week up with things it feels like I have to do and consider myself valiant for denying myself the things I love. But that quickly gets twisted into a funky blend self-righteousness and self-victimization. Plus, I miss out on doing what I love.
So, I’m with you on the first point. I would do well to tell myself more often that it’s not selfish to pursue the things I love. When I see other people doing it, I think it’s beautiful and inspiring. And I think that’s the kind of life Jesus wants for me too.
I love not doing everything! Because I have young kiddos, i feel like every “no” to something else is a “yes” to them. So i have very little guilt towards a host of things that other people/leaders/moms are doing because i feel like i’m giving my best to my family- meaning the best version of myself (low stress, more available, more consistent, less crabby…). I think it’s taken awhile for our family to figure out what our tolerance is for busy-ness. How much can we handle before it all falls apart? Once we found that rhythm I think it got easier.
Another thought- I think what we are capable of doing and what we are called to do are very different. I feel like what most of us are capable of doing is huge. But what each of us is called to do is actually very narrow, kind of like a bulls-eye on a target. The closer i get to figuring out what I’m called to do, the easier it gets to let go of other stuff. It takes a lot of trying stuff to figure it out, but I think you eventually do get there, and it gets easier (once again).
My 3rd thought (and last, I promise)- at some point i let go of pleasing people. Really, a lot of what i used to do (and- let’s be honest- still do) was because i was expected to, or i couldn’t say no, or some other form of guilt was propelling me to. Maybe it happened as we had kids, but somewhere along the line something had to give, and it was all of those things I was doing out of obligation. Lately i am learning that God is way more committed to me than i am to Him, and he will not change his feelings about me if I miss that meeting, or say no to being the president of the pta. And if God feels that way about me, then surely I can manage to not worry about what the rest of the world thinks!
Super-helpful thoughts Bethany.
I really like the idea of my “no” to one thing being a “yes” to something else. That’s really helpful for keeping a healthy perspective on my time.
And you’re right on with the capable vs. calling thing. I’m still on the front end of figuring out what my calling is, but whenever I feel like I’m headed toward something I’m called to do, it’s way more life-giving than doing something else that I may be equally capable (but less called) to do.
Excellent, I am know exactly the feeling that you are talking about. And I don’t know how to get better at it. I think most of it is just a lot of practice to get to the place of good discernment.
But I do know a couple things that I have picked up as being true. The first is that when I start to do things because I feel like I ought to, and then I end up resenting those I am ‘giving’ to, I need to re-evaluate. Its supposed to be about relationship, so if my giving only serves to make me feel more mature to you (which further separates us), then its really not doing any good at all.
I also feel like God has been nudging to think about generosity differently. I was always trying to figure out how to ‘not give as much’ but I think he would rather I focus on speaking up and being able to get the things that I need (rest, time to myself, time to workout, etc). Which sounds the same at first, but it really isn’t the same. I don’t know why, but it does seem to often be a struggle for me to be able to say ‘I need’. But learning to do it has not only been very important, it has helped me to engage better with the community around me.
I guess a third comment would be to not force yourself to pour yourself out in a place you have no passion for. That always end poorly.
I think the greatest thing I am learning is focus. I oft am swayed by my current circumstances rather then sway my circumstances by the focus on God given vision for my life.
I am currently in a season of transition. I have a lot of time and little money, that mounts high stress situations. In these moments of high stress I am finding that I want to do things based on the circumstances of low financial income rather then do things based upon the call of God in my life.
Someone told me recently, “You need to start acting out of where you know you are supposed to be, rather then the current awkward (insert stressful, uneasy, or unhappy) situations you find yourself in”
It’s constantly a work in progress in my life..
Not sure why, but I thought it was funny how “oppose racism” found its way into that list =)