I have a little saying that if you want to be an effective pastor, you should get used to the idea that about 20 percent of the people you know will not like you at any given time. This is only partially an overstatement. It’s probably true of leadership in general. If you lead toward change, change nearly always has upside for some but downside for others. And so in some real sense, the anger is probably legitimate. People are experiencing real frustration, and as the leader, it really is your fault.

The more leadership I take on, the more true this seems. You cannot please everyone. And if you are going to be a healthy leader, it means setting priorities. But every priority you set is not just towards one thing, it’s always away from something else. And that is going to upset someone. And again, it’s legitimate. They have a real priority for something. And they are going to blame you for not sharing it. And the truth is- you aren’t sharing their priority.

It’s easy to write off people’s anger as simply misunderstanding of you, or not fully grasping why you have made a decision. I want to say there’s often more than that going on. Often they really do understand the decisions you have made, and they are angry at you precisely because of those decisions. This hurts to realize.

So, how do we deal with this as leaders? I think it takes a lifetime, and I don’t think there are easy answers. But I have a few thoughts.

First, allow other people to be angry at you. Don’t try to talk them out of it. Don’t twist yourself around trying to avoid it. Just let it be. They don’t like a decision you made. They may be right or wrong, but it’s not your responsibility how they feel. Don’t be defensive. Don’t try to pretend it doesn’t hurt a little. It does hurt a little. You’re pretty much just going to have to face that pain. It’s not the end of the world. But it is hard.

Second, accept that they may very well be right. Being right, at the end of the day, isn’t a very big deal. Being faithful to God, trusting him, taking risks, these are the staples of spiritual leadership. And sometimes you’re going to get it wrong. And maybe that’s going to be hurtful to someone. Being humble and simply accepting this goes a long way.

Third, accept your response. This sounds strange. Maybe it’s unique to me. I don’t want to admit I’m hurt. I don’t want to admit I’m angry. I’d like to think I can always respond with grace and magnanimity. But I can’t. Sometimes I get mad back. Sometimes I want to preach a whole sermon secretly designed to make that person look bad (I never have, and God willing, never will). But I can’t just stuff the feelings. I have to process them somewhere, I need a safe person who will let me process and help me not accept the poison of judgment.

So, do you have any tips on this? I think it’s pretty difficult.