On accepting anger
I have a little saying that if you want to be an effective pastor, you should get used to the idea that about 20 percent of the people you know will not like you at any given time. This is only partially an overstatement. It’s probably true of leadership in general. If you lead toward change, change nearly always has upside for some but downside for others. And so in some real sense, the anger is probably legitimate. People are experiencing real frustration, and as the leader, it really is your fault.
The more leadership I take on, the more true this seems. You cannot please everyone. And if you are going to be a healthy leader, it means setting priorities. But every priority you set is not just towards one thing, it’s always away from something else. And that is going to upset someone. And again, it’s legitimate. They have a real priority for something. And they are going to blame you for not sharing it. And the truth is- you aren’t sharing their priority.
It’s easy to write off people’s anger as simply misunderstanding of you, or not fully grasping why you have made a decision. I want to say there’s often more than that going on. Often they really do understand the decisions you have made, and they are angry at you precisely because of those decisions. This hurts to realize.
So, how do we deal with this as leaders? I think it takes a lifetime, and I don’t think there are easy answers. But I have a few thoughts.
First, allow other people to be angry at you. Don’t try to talk them out of it. Don’t twist yourself around trying to avoid it. Just let it be. They don’t like a decision you made. They may be right or wrong, but it’s not your responsibility how they feel. Don’t be defensive. Don’t try to pretend it doesn’t hurt a little. It does hurt a little. You’re pretty much just going to have to face that pain. It’s not the end of the world. But it is hard.
Second, accept that they may very well be right. Being right, at the end of the day, isn’t a very big deal. Being faithful to God, trusting him, taking risks, these are the staples of spiritual leadership. And sometimes you’re going to get it wrong. And maybe that’s going to be hurtful to someone. Being humble and simply accepting this goes a long way.
Third, accept your response. This sounds strange. Maybe it’s unique to me. I don’t want to admit I’m hurt. I don’t want to admit I’m angry. I’d like to think I can always respond with grace and magnanimity. But I can’t. Sometimes I get mad back. Sometimes I want to preach a whole sermon secretly designed to make that person look bad (I never have, and God willing, never will). But I can’t just stuff the feelings. I have to process them somewhere, I need a safe person who will let me process and help me not accept the poison of judgment.
So, do you have any tips on this? I think it’s pretty difficult.
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At least in reference to how we respond to other people’s feelings, I’m finding a lot of help from a book called “How to Stop the Pain”. As someone who takes other people’s feelings not only seriously, but often PERSONALLY, this book is really challenging me and helping me grow.
For me this has been terribly difficult. As a young leader my first reaction is to drop the Axe, cut off the “dead weight.” Or as Dan Barreiro affectionately says “We don’t need you!” I understand that these are wrong, horrible and evil….but I still have to fight it. For me, it’s been processing out loud with someone. This helps me see what’s really going on and helps me settle down.
Even writing this out has brought me to put the Axe down, at least for a little bit.
Hey Jeff,
This was a laser beam word straight to my heart right now. I am in a really fubar situation and I know that some do not like the decisions I make and every time I think about it. I know I may not be right…in fact I know that in some cases I don’t know what I’m doing but I still get angry with their response toward me. THe only thing that keeps me going is that I need to be faithful to God and not worry so much about whether things turn out right. Still working on not drinking the poison of judgement though…
This feels very profound. Thanks, Jeff. It strikes me, as I reflect, that, though I can’t put my finger on specific situations, I’ve done the opposite of your steps in the past in response to anger, and the way I’m experiencing the consequences of those bad choices is a sort of overactive labeling of “this person is angry with me or a decision I’ve made.”
That feels like a trap too… any thoughts?
This post (particularly in conjunction with your last) is totally energizing. The best part about the three tips you give, at least in my experience, is that they don’t directly solve anything! Sounds weird at first, until it turns out that it takes that type of vulnerability for me to get out of the way of a tough situation and see God step in. Sometime my heart shifts, sometime the heart of the other party shifts, sometimes there’s a tough tension to live in which may or may not budge immediately, but in the greater arch of things I have peace that I’m doing my part and I’m at least open to what God might have for me as a next step. AND I really do think that as people experience us giving them benefit of the doubt from leadership, they learn to trust us enough to give us benefit of the doubt as leaders.