On not being a therapist
I’ll never forget the terror of sitting in Espresso Royale in Champaign, Illinois, listening to my friend tell me about the very real trauma of her youth. I was a sophomore in college and now considered a leader in my Christian fellowship. Years later, my friend laughed about how utterly disappointed she was that I, her spiritual leader, had profoundly nothing helpful to say at all.
Years later, I still struggle with what to do when people come to me with their problems. I’m eager to help, but like anyone, I don’t have any magic wand to wave over situations, and just because I have the title of pastor doesn’t mean I got a secret codebook with what to say when people are hurting.
But- over the years, I’ve learned a few things about trying to help people when they are hurting. Here they are.
First, as the Hippocratic oath wisely suggests, do no harm. I think this is the essential message of the book of Job. Constantly err toward not saying anything. Constantly err toward just listening. Constantly resist giving advice. Constantly resist, above all, pat answers. It does not help suffering people to tell them that things will be better in heaven, or that God has a plan, or that things will work out, or that other people have it harder, or that we grow through suffering. Just be really quiet.
Second, you are not a therapist. Unless you are. There is a learned skill of processing people’s lives week after week, delving into their past, analyzing how they can change. It can be done well or poorly. But I think it’s important to recognize that therapy is something different from ordinary, everyday comfort. If we pretend that we are trained and skilled in ways that we aren’t, we are setting people up for disappointment.
Third, there are no simplistic answers. And, in some ways, I would even say this applies to point one above. Listening and not saying stupid things is job one, but you can’t just stay mute. At some point, you have to say something. And it’s hard. You’ll feel like it might be the wrong thing. And it very well might be. And even if it is the right thing, they might not receive it right. One way to be pretty sure you are saying the wrong thing is that it ties everything up nice and neat with a bow. Sympathy helps. It is not cliche to shake your head and simply affirm “This is so hard.” Affirmation can help. “You are doing a good job. I think you are handling this well.”
There is, I think, one time when it can be helpful to disagree with someone in pain. Sometimes, they themselves try to tie the thing up nice with a bow. I’ve often been talking to someone who is grieving, and suddenly they seem to cut themselves off and say something like, “But it could be worse. God has a plan.” Now, sometimes, this is just fine. At some point we do have to pull ourselves out of our grief. But sometimes, people need a little permission to be honest. Sometimes, at that point, I will interject. “Maybe it could be worse, but this is really hard. And God does have a plan, but it feels awfully confusing right now, doesn’t it?” It can be loving to give someone space to hurt.
One other quirky tip I’ve picked up is to pay attention to details. Things like money, food, and transportation. Do you have a ride to work? Is someone picking up the kids? Do you need a meal? Who is taking care of paying the bills? Is there a will? Will you need a lawyer? Even if you don’t have resources to help with these kinds of things, sometimes people in grief find they are confused enough that having someone help them think this stuff through is loving.
Have you learned anything along these lines? Made big mistakes? Has someone be especially helpful to you?
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I must have been sitting in that same Espresso Royale having the same conversation, Jeff. Right in the middle of Espresso Royale in Champaign someone once poured out his heart about something that he felt was about to take him under. I responded with some words. What words, I have no idea. I just remember he looked back at me and said, “Is that all you have for me?”
… Wow, talk about leaving that conversation feeling like I would never, ever do that again. Geesh.
That was a long time ago and I’ve learned a lot since then.
These days, I have a simple approach that essentially says, “Generally speaking, you are the expert on your life. I am not.”
That leads me to move through tough conversations by asking great questions, which I think is the key to letting people be their own expert. You do not have to be a counselor to ask great questions and listen.
So I ask … usually but not always (of course) …
1. What do you want to talk about?
2. Next, What do really want?
3. Third, What are your assumptions behind that?
4. Fourth, What part of that can only you do?
5. And finally, What part is going to require help from others?
What … is an outstanding question. In fact, it’s the best question you can ask someone when they are stuck or perplexed because I think it makes people cut to the chase and see/face the issue.
Their answers to those questions leads from the what questions to other great questions, such as …
6. When can you start that? When will you date your wife? When will you apologize to your co-worker? When will you read the Bible during the week? etc…
7. Then, the where question. Where do you want to do it? Where does she like to go? Where do feel most comfortable?
8. How often comes in, too. How will you make that happen? How can you make it better for your husband? How do you want your daughter to talk with you?
It’s the old journalist in me, perhaps. What? When? Where? Why? How?
Occasionally you can ask why. Why is a great question but it can offend people, if you aren’t careful. They may hear, “Why in the world do you want to do that, idiot?”
These simple questions make people do their own thinking (It’s not really my/our job to think for people anyway). If I just listen to people after I ask them questions, I often discover that a kind of sacred space has been created where suddenly and often they “magically” see the solution they are seeking. No, not always, but more often than you’d think.
Regularly people say to me, “Wow. That’s it. That’s what I am going to do. Thank you sooo much. Great advice, man.”
Great advice? All I did was ask great questions, listen and allow them to be the expert on their own life. I don’t know if that’s counseling, coaching, mentoring, Holy Spirit ministry or a combination of all of them.
… I mostly think it’s being present and letting people be the expert on their own lives. Jesus was superb at this and a great question asker: What is your name? Do you want to get well? Who do you think loved him more?
If we ask good questions and truly listen, people will feel loved. They will hardly be able to differentiate between listen to and being loved.
… All because we followed Paul’s encouragement … mourn with those who mourn, rejoice with those who rejoice … coupled with asking really great questions.
true! a lot of times we may think that we have so much experience or know so much that we can help just about anybody and so we just dole out advice. i’ve found out that most times our “success formulas” don’t just help people through what they are feeling…we may just be making the wrong move. where we could have been comforting we were treating the issue like a statistic, throwing up advice as though out of a text book.
First off, this is so timely. Ray’s been telling me for years to try therapy, but being an active member of a church I felt like that was the final “failure”. I have this whole community surrounding me and I have to go to a STRANGER for help?! I’m still on the fence on whether or not I’ll go, but I love that you make this distinction- I think it’s important and vital.
Second, the one thing I always try and remind myself (because I’m not very good at it) is to shut my mouth and just listen. Don’t compare your situation (x) with their situation (y) and try and make them the same- if they’re not, that’s not at all helpful. No matter how close in relation they might be- if they’re not the same, they’re not. Just listen. And even if you HAVE been in their exact situation (which is probably rare, and you’re probably reaching for a comparison anyway), still listen first and then if you still feel the need to pipe in or feel like telling them about your situation will actually help, go for it.
Great thoughts, Jeff (and commenters). I’ve always appreciated the expression “ministry of presence,” where someone can just be with the other person–especially when there’s deep pain–and allow that person to “feel felt” through their attention/time, empathy, concern, and acceptance…and where there’s no need to say just the right thing in just the right way at just the right time (which can create a vibe of anxiety and more discomfort anyway). In many instances, the less we say (or the more we communicate nonverbally) the better. I still remember offering a few words of comfort, along with a hug, to a friend the first time I saw her after her brother committed suicide. The words were fine, but something in me thinks a warm gaze and a silent hug might have been more comforting and done better justice to an experience and emotions that words ultimately never could do justice to. I think the cross was somewhat like this. I have a lot more questions than answers about pain, suffering, and loss, and it seems that Jesus was more interested in becoming the answer–being present with us in our pain–than in spouting the answer. I guess when you are the answer, it’s okay to beg the question.
Great insights Jeff.
I help people day in and day out and could comment quite a bit on the topic. But I have learned THE MOST FROM a few friends and my simply amazing and godly husband who stood by and with me during the last year. A year which has been the most painful, confusing and traumatizing year of my life. One of these friends put it well when they said they feel like they have been sitting in an open grave with me for the past year. It takes an amazing human being and committed follower of Jesus to simply choose to sit in an open grave with someone while they grieve and rage and weep and and question everything about their faith walk without condemning or offering up unwanted and usually unhelpful advise. These friends and my husband did not try to talk me out of my pain, explain the unexplainable or divert me from the process of working this out with Jesus and on His time table. They were not ashamed nor were they embarrassed by my emotional pain, mental anguish or spiritual oppression. But they also gently and firmly held me accountable to my thoughts, feelings, actions and behaviors.
Sometimes the best way to help another person in pain is to simply be selfless enough to sit in an open grave with them and help them hang on to the hem of Jesus’ robe. The best way to help another person in pain is to acknowledge the pain and be the kind of long term friend/pastor/spouse/parent/leader who will see you through all the way to the other side without once abandoning ship to save your own skin.
This experience has forever changed how I will serve and minister to the broken and hurting in life. I will still use the skill set and the gifts the Holy Spirit has given me to counsel and coach, but it comes from a totally different place with a renewed perspective and empathy like I have never had before.
Thanks for opening up the discussion Jeff.
Greeting from someone standing in a friend’s “grave” right now. Your advice is invaluable. Blessings:)
Yes, I agree with all of this. Great thoughts. I’d like to respond to Jeff’s comment “you are not a therapist. Unless you are.”
I’d like to add, that even if you are a therapist, Jeff’s advice is apt. For those of us who are trained as therapists… we cannot (ethically, objectively, or respectfully) treat/assess/diagnose/commit therapy on our friends and or family. It just doesn’t go well. So non-therapist types- let your therapist friends leave work, and therapist types- resist the urge to meddle (in a therapeutic way)… but to just be a thoughtful, empathetic friend or family member.
Also, for discussion sake… is it just me or is there a huge stigma around the whole notion of seeing a therapist, especially in the church? I think this puts undue burden on non-therapists in the church (pastors, small group leaders, pray-ers, etc.) I’ve talked to a lot of people who feel they are in over their heads trying to help or mentor people through painful seasons. Just like small group leaders shouldn’t be preachers, I don’t think the average church goer should have to act as a therapist (which I guess is what this post is all about).
I don’t know… just a thought…
Thanks, Beccy. Larry Crabb wrote a book I read years ago which makes the dual case for the therapeutic possibilities of the local church, right alongside a case for the specialized need for professionals. He downplayed the need for professionals, but that was in response to the overuse of professionals.
I would like to UNDO the stigma in the church against using professional help when we feel stuck. The national director of the Vineyard spoke publicly about how helpful a sex therapist was for he and his wife (60 somethings!). So I think you’re in good company.
Excellent point Beccy! One of the smartest things I did for the people I served while in full time pastoral ministry was to develop relationship with the therapists in the town where I worked. I got to know the Christian Counselors as well as the Christians who were counselors working for secular organizations. A good therapist’s reputation will proceed them. Knowing who these men and women were and that I could, with confidence, refer parishioners to them was invaluable.
I am not anti-secular therapists, but it is a rare occurrence when a Christian gets the help they need from someone who is not a follower of Christ. This is especially true of marriage counseling.
Developing a roster of therapists you trust and who have a history of good reports from their clients is worth gold. Knowing what the therapists specialize in is even more helpful.
I regularly shared this list of trusted therapists with my coaches and leaders in ministry. It was enormously helpful and stress-reducing to lay-leaders. When a lay- leader knows they have trusted resources to turn to when someone in their small group or on a team they lead is in crisis they are more willing to lead and we reduce burnout.
When you as the pastor or leader confidently recommend a therapists it also reduces the stress and stigma of seeking help for your parishioners.
I’ve got a couple who I am friends with, and the wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer back in March. As I’ve walked through this disease with her husband and her, I’ve often found myself thinking “I’ve got absolutely nothing to say to you that could even begin to make you feel better.” But I listen and try to be empathetic – and not say something stupid, and I continue to lift them and their family up to Jesus. I sometimes feel like that isn’t enough, and then I read your post, and the Holy Spirit says to me, “It’s enough. Just keep on loving them and lifting them up to me.” Thanks for the encouragement and affirmation, Jeff.
this makes me think of the old adage that the medium is the message. the structure our communities and public gatherings communicates things to people…are we over-promising and under-delivering in our unspoken (and sometimes spoken) leadership?
I need to hear this. I ma not be a “leader” leader, but I’m definitely in a few spiritually mentoring relationships in which I have felt the need to offer what feels like a type of counseling. I have soaked up this whole page. Thank you.